Addressed to Me

Remember, how another treats you is their karma, not yours.
Do your best not to take anything too personally -
everyone has bad days.

Last night, I was awoken by my husband clearing his throat...again. Since it can be hard for me to fall back asleep, I am usually never happy to be woken up in the middle of the night, but this time - I was thankful.  It was at this exact moment that a message came to me through a vision and an inner knowing. My conscious mind was able to remember the lesson that my unconscious mind was receiving. For me, it was Divine timing.


What I saw was an image of a handwritten letter with the "addressed to" and "signed from" visible. The paper was off-white in color and surrounded in blackness. The message implied that when writing a letter to someone - after it is written - address it to yourself - sign it from your "friend or foe" - read it - and see how you feel.


I instantly related to this wise suggestion. This process would serve as protection against writing words that may hurt another...that very well may boomerang back - in some form at some time.  A recurring pattern of mine... Over the past few years or so, I have felt this sudden and strong need to stand up for myself and to let other people know how I feel, especially when I have felt wronged by them.  For the most part, the only thing "wrong" has been my perception, expectation, assumption, and judgment - along with not owning my part for creating the "issue" in the first place. Let's say...I got what I expected.

It seems I've been on a roll lately...letting it all out - with various people...writing and sending letters to my heart's content. Being all too open and honest - at least with my truth about them or a situation. I have to admit, I am pretty good at hitting the nail on the head when it comes to pinpointing details, plus seeing the overall bigger picture. My perceptions can be so eerily accurate in a sense, that it's scary. It's almost as if I see and know more about the person I'm writing to... than they know about themselves. But who am I to decide if they are open, ready, or even want to hear what I see? Really...did they even ask?? And I must remember - it's my truth - most likely, not theirs. 

So, in an emotional state, I sit down and let it all out. I try to be fair and kind, but my words and insights can cut like a knife, I'm sure. I'm gifted at being mean in a creative and polite way. I momentarily feel better from releasing all that I have passively held in - a trait from childhood. Then comes the backlash... No response or a simple business-like note - completely invalidating my thoughts and feelings (but not really). This is ammunition for another letter, because "they" must not have understood me - so I think. When, in all actuality, their limited reply may have served us both. A timely response may be well-mannered, but isn't a heartfelt response better? No response does not have to mean something negative. Don't let your mind speculate the worst...you will put yourself through hell. Who says you even need or want a response, anyway?

"It is tact that is golden - not silence." 
~ Samuel Butler

Don't get me wrong. Writing heartfelt letters that can bring tears of tender joy is another one of my specialties. Just depends on the day and my mood. With the gift...comes the curse. Isn't that life, though? The fullness of it all - embracing the "good" and the "bad."

At times, letter writing can be a very aggressive form of communication, although it seems to be passive. It's all too easy to say way too much. It's somewhat ideal in the moment...there is no one to go against your thoughts. You feel as if you are the one in control, but you are not, that is, if you send the letter. There is always another option... Write all you want and tear it up! Express and release the negativity, and let it go ~ 

Of course, like everything else, communication will vary. Too much - too little - one-sided - positive - negative - nothing at all. Some people will balance each other and that may work for them. Over the long haul, it seems equal, moderate, and mutual communication wins. Both of you speak...and both of you listen. A true partnership. Try to keep your communication centered and balanced - a blend of heart and mind. Passivity may lead to resentment and aggressiveness may lead to conflict.  Having a personal and soulful expression outlet in place, will help you avoid dumping on and draining another. Find something that works for you, such as...journaling, exercise, meditation, prayer, singing, dancing, art, talk therapy, etc.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

~Helen Keller 

On another note, maybe it's just not meant to be - one or both of you just aren't interested. And that is okay. Pay attention to those cues. Do not insist on "who" you are friends with - forced friendships quite often lead to disappointment and fail to thrive. Let the universe arrange the best friendships for you. Be open and receptive. Allow one chapter of your life to end, so another may begin. Endings only equal beginnings.

"Do not confuse the length of your relationship with its quality."

~Conversations with God, Books 1 & 3

A thought to remember: "You're never hurt by anything you never said." I found this saying on a little piece of paper in a tiny little box with an angel on it, while clearing out my grandma Jayne's place after she passed away. I never knew her to have any enemies. She just didn't go there. Her communication was simply positive and constructive. Though I do not agree with holding in and repressing negative emotions, I now also do not agree with forcing them upon another. There is a better way. You have a choice.

So...this wisdom that came through to me...I know is for me, and maybe even for you. I'm sure the same idea or principle could be used in regard to our spoken words and our actions. The Golden Rule - "Treat others as you wish to be treated." Such a simple concept, but sometimes hard to live by. 

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship."

~ Louisa May Alcott

The next time I sit down at my computer and the words easily flow out ~ before I hit the send key ~ I will address the letter to myself and read it aloud. If I feel any hesitation, hurt, defensiveness, or anger - I will hit the delete key instead. I hope this will help my relationships to be smoother. It won't mean that I will deny my true feelings, because many of my points are valid, but it will mean that I will be wise enough to share them in a fair and respectful way, if I so choose. A win-win way. Or wait a few days. Things may unexpectedly change, and what I once thought I HAD to say...may no longer feel so dire. Being an "actor" - instead of a "reactor" - is the goal.

Another writing tip... If you wouldn't say something to someone's face, don't write it in a letter. It's so much easier to be bold and brave while writing...but when face to face with someone - common sense along with gut instincts sets in to protect. If you couldn't pull it off while in the presence of the other - then don't write it. Imagine having direct eye contact with the person as a guide. Determine the limits. Talking on the telephone with someone is not the same as talking with them in person. Nice try, though!

The ultimate goal is no need for letter writing at all. When the initial experience is no longer deemed offensive due to a change in perception, there will be no need for any discussion. Your intake of the situation will no longer bother you or you will choose not to focus on it. You will feel no need to criticize another or explain or prove yourself. You will know who you are and you will choose peace. 

It's not about "who" the problem is...it's about "what" the problem is. In my case, the problem may be a residual lingering fear of rejection and loss along with thinking I should be friends with everyone. Imbalanced communication skills, high expectations, and being sensitive does not make this any easier. Confusing "needing" someone, with "loving" someone, plays a part. Lastly, wanting to please everyone leaves me feeling taken advantage of and manipulated.

Avoid blame and guilt...they will suck the life out of you. Know some relationships are meant to last your lifetime, while others may be temporary. People come and go as needed. As we grow and evolve...different people will serve us or hinder us. Allow for this natural occurrence and don't resist fading relationships. Everyone and everything is all-serving. The people in our lives serve us, and the people that leave our lives are serving us also. The reason may be hidden, but it is there. Some relationships fill a void or create a niche - or at least operate on one (for example: drinking buddies). If that main connection is severed, the relationship may no longer exist, as the very heart of it was taken away.

A personal revelation of mine is this... I am afraid to end unsatisfying relationships. Therefore, I "do" something that causes the other person to end it. In many cases in the past, I have written a nasty letter causing the other to break it off. This way - in the outer world - the other person looks like the bad guy, because they are the one who did the leaving, while escaping the mismatch was actually my ulterior (and most likely unconscious) motive all along. Lack of responses then tie in to my victim role. How is that for open honesty? The lesson... Listen to your gut feelings and kindly speak or write your truth...even if it means ending a relationship. After all, the good guy has the strength and wisdom to say - no more.

Regardless of any motives... Forgive others. Forgive yourself. Forgive a hurtful situation. Let the past go - it is a memory - do not recreate another unwanted version of the same old story. Look forward. Live in the moment and make it anew. Move on together or move on apart...just move on! Move on with your happiness - you are deserving. This way, everyone is free to be. Sometimes we need space to learn and grow in our own way - time away to listen to our inner guidance - time to be alone to hear and to heal. Don't feel bad about desiring solitude...at times, it is the best medicine.

"Need nothing. Desire everything. Choose what shows up."

~ Neale Donald Walsch

There was a time in my life when it took me months to return a phone call. It's not that I didn't want to - I just didn't have the energy. I needed to be left alone. (Thank goodness some of my friends did not take my behavior personally.) So, I definitely understand the need for time and space, and how it is always about "you" and not the other person. You may get to a point where you need less, want more, and accept things as they are. You will demonstrate a higher respect for yourself, and at the same time not be so bothered if someone displays a lack of respect for you.

Balancing emotional attachment with emotional detachment is an art. You never need anyone to act a certain way to make or keep you happy. That is your job. Opening your heart to another, while staying detached from the outcome, is the key. Accept what is.

It has been said, that in the school of life, relationships are our biggest challenge. They show us our weak spots...lead us to significant growth...and can be a place of true fulfillment. Our outer relationships reflect our inner relationship with ourselves. Get yourself in order and your relationships will follow suit.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

~Hebrews 11:1

A unique detail about this happening, is the "literal" timing of it. After I woke up, instantly knowing the message, I looked over at my huge bright red digital clock and clearly saw the time - 1:11 a.m. Even cooler, though it was technically January 12th (1/12), the date was January 11th (1/11), as I fell asleep that evening. 

The number "1" has been following me around now for about 2 years - sometimes alone, but usually accompanied by more "1's." For me, the message is - "We are all one." And when communicating with someone, it would serve "us" (both) to remember that. What we put out, we will get back - at some point, from someone. Our intentions will equal our experience. Intend peace and know it will be.

We are all connected in a way that we can't quite understand. How else does someone you are thinking of suddenly reach out to  you or show up? I do not believe it is "coincidence." You attract it. Your thoughts are almost their thoughts (about you). Your experience is the proof.

Remember, how another treats you is their karma, not yours. Do your best not to take anything too personally - everyone has bad days. Keep your focus on bettering yourself, instead of proving your point, retaliation, or revenge. Seek approval from yourself, not another.  

What I have found to be true is - in the end - we ultimately get what we needed (and maybe even wanted) in the first place. It's a hard truth to admit. Trust in it.

With a pure heart and innocent intentions - loving and accepting yourself and others is easy. It is a choice -  for you to choose. When you truly feel love inside of you, you tend to love others without hesitation. It just becomes your natural way to be.



Note to Self... "Say your truth in a nice way - it can be done - but not always undone."

 * The above sharing was not planned and is not directed toward anyone in particular, except myself and those who benefit. * 


CLICK HERE for DailyOM's article, "No Wrong Response"

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